Last night, I cried. My son is beginning to pull away from me here and there, and it makes me feel both sad for myself and guilty that his pulling away is actually me pushing him away.
My mother has been here for over a week, helping us get the house in order, helping watch Theo, being an extra set of hands so that I can rest more in the final stretch of this pregnancy. It has been such a huge relief for me to have her here. Theo has enjoyed it, too, as he now has an enthusiastic person to get on the floor and play with him several times a day. And while I’m glad he has her — because he now gets to burn off energy and do all kinds of fun things he likes — I find him asking for her and for his dad more than he asks for me now. I am afraid I have trained him to assume I will not indulge him as I used to, so he doesn’t bother to ask.
This morning, the first thing he said to me when I woke up and greeted him was, “No! I want you to go back to sleep!” Later: “I just want you to go away!”
But! This is not a bummer post, I promise. Today, several really lovely things happened, and while I’m not usually one for publicly sharing my gratitude over every little thing, I am making an exception today because sometimes I am just that impressed and touched by the perfect timing of good things.
1. My mom, Theo, and I went to the mall for some items left on my list of baby-related items, and not only did he reach for my hand several times and read a book with me and generally seem pretty happy, but he also told me, “I love you, too.” (This alone made up for everything I just wrote about above.)
2. I found this beautiful baby book for each of the twins. I anticipate that I won’t have much time or energy for filling out the extremely detailed typical books, twice over this time, so I was pleased to find a more minimal option that covers basic milestones and not much else. Plus, it is made by National Geographic and is absolutely beautiful with gorgeous photos of mostly animals (which is my jam) and poems and quotes from inspirational people. It’s not so gushy and cutesy the way many baby books are. For my tastes, it is perfect. I bought two.
3. A package arrived today with handed down baby clothes from a lovely friend. Surprise packages of goodies are always nice, but I was also touched by the note she included and the generosity of the gesture.
4. The weather was perfect today. We enjoyed it by eating lunch outside, which always feels like a special treat.
5. We went to three stores and a restaurant, and not one person commented on the fact that I’m pregnant. I cannot explain how good it feels at this stage to venture out in public and feel like a normal person.
6. My mom bought me some more maternity/nursing shirts and a great nightgown and robe for the hospital. I feel so silly buying maternity clothes at 31+ weeks pregnant, but I had only a few shirts that actually fit me, and it was becoming a real problem. Now I have enough tops to rotate throughout the week, and I will still be able to wear them after the babies are born.
7. I finally finished a handmade project I’ve been working on for the babies. I keep putting these little projects on my to-do list and then wishing I’d put one for baby A and one for baby B, because I have to do twice the work to cross one thing off. The pair of items I made turned out well, and I feel doubly accomplished, even it’s just one line to cross through.
8. Over nine months ago, I submitted some interview answers for a motherhood and art-related website. I had no idea if the person curating the material on that site would select my answers to publish, and after a few months, I forgot about it. Today, I received an email saying my interview will be published on my birthday in about a week. It was so unexpected and a really nice surprise. It also gave me the opportunity to dig up one of my favorite pictures of Theo and me.
9. Tonight, Theo let me brush his teeth and read him a book. These are such small things, but they made me feel closer to him. I am going to try to keep doing these little things because they add up to so much more.
10. It occurred to me today, while we were out for several hours, that I am not on bedrest, which feels like a huge thing to celebrate, given how awful I felt earlier on in this pregnancy. I am still pretty active, and my pregnancy is about as medically uncomplicated as a twin pregnancy gets.
So, all in all, pretty good stuff. And it gives me the hope that I will continue to find joy with my son, even as our lives change so drastically. Thanks, dear universe, for a perfectly timed great day.